i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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