Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
