Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
