Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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