The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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