The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
