FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
