What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
