Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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