I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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