Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
