im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
