My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
