____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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