You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
