I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
