Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
