I faked an abortion last night.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
