i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
