I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
