you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
