I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
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Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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