Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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