living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
