The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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