listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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