You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
