Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
