let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
