tonight lets celebrate not being married
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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