Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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