DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
