I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
