i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
