Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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