Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
