I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
