I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
