the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
