no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
