Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
