Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
