I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
