Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
