it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
