i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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