well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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