I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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