I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
