that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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