It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize