i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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