a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.