People in love make me want to vomit
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
