So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS