I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
