you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
