Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
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