Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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