We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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