Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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