How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
