he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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