he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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